The Big Girl's Guide to Relationships

The Big Girl Chronicles:  The Big Girl’s Guide to Relationships

New love is awesome!  The anticipation.  The school girl infatuation.  The little things that make getting to know that special new someone so euphoric.  As time presses on, those cute little things become increasingly annoying.  The infatuation subsides.  Then you find yourself faced with the decision to continue with your relationship, or bail for the next chapter in the adventures of fantasy island.  If you choose to continue investing in that partner, fighting for your relationship’s survival in today’s world means meandering through mountains of relationship advice to find what works best in your relationship.  And developing into an ideal partner is no easy task.  If you’re anything like me, you’ve failed miserably at relationships.  Trading in that school girl infatuation for mature, meaningful adult companionship can be difficult if you don’t take some time to personally reflect upon some key points. 

·         Be honest with yourself (and your partner) about who you are.

Honesty is the backbone of all relationships.  It is the foundation upon which the relationship is built.  If the foundation isn’t solid, it’s just a matter of time before the whole thing collapses.  With that in mind, you have to be honest with yourself first.  That includes being honest about who you are.  In real life.  Not that person you like to pretend to be with others.  The real you.  As your relationship progresses, this is the person that will surface.  Once you’re honest about who you are, then you can honestly choose the best partner for you.  After all, you’re going to want that person to stick around with that ugly person inside that you try to hide.  You know the one!  That dragonlady that roars and breathes fire in early mornings. Or that canine queen that surfaces if she’s procrastinated trying to meet a deadline.  Let’s just say that if the surprise in store isn’t a good one, be honest upfront about those things that might scare your partner away. 

·         Just because your partner doesn’t ask doesn’t mean don’t do.

Mutual consideration is the point I’m trying to convey here.  No one wants to always be the one to initiate fun things to do.  Or always be the one to cook dinner.  Or pay on dates.  If you’ve chosen a passive partner who may be too shy to ask you to step up to the plate, cut that person a little slack every now and then and be the person to make plans.  Or treat.  Whatever you think would work for you, apply that to how you cater to your partner.  Guard against monotony with a backrub or massage.  Keep your partner appreciative of your spontaneity for those times when you goof.

·         Nobody wants a nag. 

Nagging is so yesterday.  (The same as that expressionJ)That technique is thankfully outdated.  And if you’ve not stepped up your level of communication, it isn’t too late to make that change.  Intelligent and open lines of communication will get you farther than “barking” at your partner.  Give that person credit for being human.  Then try to understand why (s)he is avoiding doing something that you’ve asked.  It could be that not doing is the easiest way (s)he can think of to tell you that (s)he isn’t interested in doing whatever it is.  Take the hint and begin a dialogue towards reaching some mutual understanding rather than nagging his or her ear off and increasing the divide between the two of you.   

·         Fight fair.

No matter how great the two of you gel together, there will be arguments and disagreements.  Know this.  Prepare for this.  And fight fair.  I’m sure it’s easier said than done, but don’t say things that you won’t want to repeat once the argument is over.  Those earsplitting insults or hurtful comments could cause irreparable damage and emotional scars that will be difficult to rebound from.  If you’re too angry to have a heated disagreement, put it on pause and wait until the both of you are in a rational enough state to have what could be a healthy squabble.  I know you’ve heard how fun it can be making up!

·         Realize that you are an extension of your partner.

There is nothing that immediately comes to mind more disheartening than to hear a partner degrade the person with whom (s)he is involved.  I imagine this technique is used to vent and gain sympathy from friends and supporters.  But to talk so much trash about that person only to continue in the relationship speaks volumes about who you are.  You have chosen this person to share your time with.  That person is an extension of a decision you’ve made.  If things are bad, then decide how you will remedy the situation without making yourself look as though you could do no better than all those colorful descriptions you will share with your listeners.  Think of it more as how you would want your partner to share with others about you, and offer him or her that same courtesy.

·         Be realistic. 

Your relationship isn’t scripted.  Please don’t expect to have a soap opera romance and blame your partner for not knowing his or her lines.  Or missing your cues.  You won’t want to spend every waking moment with this person.  If you do, you have some attachment issues that should be addressed.  The both of you need room to breathe and miss each other.  There was a life that both of you had apart from each other that should continue.  What you are is a welcomed addition, rather than a replacement.  Your partner has friends and family that (s)he will continue to want to spend time doing things with and so have you.  Have realistic expectations of each other and each other’s time.

·         Appreciate.

A little appreciation every now and then can speak volumes.  Take time to communicate with your partner how much you enjoy him or her and appreciate the contribution (s)he has made to your life.  And you don’t have to wait until (s)he has done something to say so.  No one wants to feel as if they’re taken for granted.  Couple your expression of appreciation with some spontaneous romantic gestures, and you have given your partner attention (s)he can reflect on during those rough times when “appreciating” each other may be a bit more difficult.

·         Once you invite friends and family into your relationship, they may not want to leave.

Always consider that there is more than just you involved.  If you are at a point where communication with your partner has been difficult and kept the two of you at odds, be cautious about inviting in friends and family to mediate.  I’m not saying that it’s wrong to consult someone for advice.  But what I do want to point out is that once you open that door to let your family and friends weigh in on your relationship, you could have a hard time turning them around when their welcome is over.  Equally as important is what information you share with friends and family, or how.  You are painting the picture for them.  And if they aren’t mutual friends of both you and your partner, you could’ve unfairly cast your partner in a bad light that will be difficult to shy from when the two of you have begun to work things out.

The thrill of a new relationship doesn’t have to dwindle with time if you take a mature approach.  If we learn from past failures we can draw upon those experiences to better ourselves and in turn build stronger, better and healthier relationships. 

The Big Girl's Guide to Identifying Toxic Relationships

The Big Girl Chronicles:  The Big Girl’s Guide to Identifying Toxic Relationships

When we think of love, we imagine an exchange of warmth and kindness, intimacy, playful affection and mutual care one for the other.  We think of sharing and building a life together.  Yet, there are times when what we want isn’t our reality.  Instead of the desirable qualities mentioned above, we’re caught up in some sort of morbid coexistence with pleasurable moments few and far between.  Why is it that we continue to engage in unhealthy relationships?  And how can we begin to break this cycle?

Start with you.

There is little that can be done to mend any situation until you’ve taken an honest look at yourself.  Personal self-reflection allows you to examine your own thoughts and patterns of behavior so that you can identify what it is you continue to do that keeps you hostage.  Is it fear that keeps you clinging in an unhealthy relationship?   Fear of being alone?  Is it a skewed idea of what a healthy relationship is?  Did you learn that your unhealthy relationship is the “norm” or what you deserve?  Poor self-esteem or self-image?  Ask yourself some hard questions and do a little soul searching. 

Weigh the pros and cons.

Sorting through the good and bad of an unhealthy relationship requires us to set aside our feelings.  Chances are that you’ve remained in the relationship because you love your mate.  And as cliché as it sounds, love really can be blind – sometimes to your detriment.  Sit down and actually make a list.  Itemize each and every quality it is that you enjoy and would like to experience more of with your mate.  Then, list every undesirable quality.  Be thorough.  Include each and every annoyance.  But here’s the hard part – now list all those things that you say you do that make your mate upset.  That’s right.  Take a look at those things that you accept the blame for.  Write them on your list.  Done?  Now read all that you’ve written.  Does the good outweigh the bad?  How many of the things of which you accept the blame actually your fault?  What you’ve included on your list could surprise you.  Now ask yourself if what you and your partner share is generally pleasant, or if those less desirable moments are of such magnitude that the good times are overshadowed.  The answer to these questions is the starting point for your decision whether or not to continue in the relationship or abandon it.

Identify the toxins.

Now that you have some idea of the dynamics of your relationship and your relationship cycle, begin to pinpoint those behaviors that are ruining it.  Include your self assessment first because you are the starting point for the changes you hope to make.  Are you enabling?  Too passive?  Are there barriers to communication?  Selfishness?  Manipulation?  Emotional sabotage?  Any forms of abuse?  Identify those flaws that you feel weigh on the relationship with your partner.  It could be helpful to have him or her make a “pros and cons” list also.    

Make the choice.

Choosing to continue in an unhealthy relationship is an option.  Should you choose to stay, seek the help of a professional like a relationship expert, life coach, social worker or other behavioral health specialist, either with your partner or alone.  Decide what goals the two of you together have towards bettering your relationship.  If both of you are willing to put forth the effort, rank your goals in order of importance and begin to tackle those toxins that are holding you back.  With a positive outlook and creativity, this experience could draw the two of you closer.

 However, if the two of you are past the point of no return or are too “set in your ways” to accept the challenges, resolve as amicably as possible to part company.  Keep in mind all the things that you’ve learned from this relationship so that you don’t find yourself in a repetitious cycle of forming and nursing unhealthy relationships.   

*Blogger’s note:  Abuse of any kind is unacceptable.  The seriousness of physical abuse is not to be taken lightly.  If there is physical violence in your relationship, consider your safety first.  However, if you choose to continue in a physically abusive relationship, seek the help of a professional either alone or with your partner.  Consider removing yourself from that environment until the two of you have met with a professional and are working towards ending the violence.  To get assistance, go online to thehotline.org or call 800.799.SAFE. 

The Big Girl's Guide to Becoming the YOU You've Always Wanted to Be

The Big Girl Chronicles:  The Big Girl’s Guide to Becoming the YOU You’ve Always Wanted to Be

If you’ve lived a little, you already know this.  But just in case you’re a newbie, let me be the first to tell you the road of life isn’t always smooth and straight.  It can include quite a few exasperating peaks and valleys.  Sometimes it seems you can’t get to the good stuff because you’re lost in a labyrinth of road blocks, detours and dead ends that can distract you from your defined purpose.  If this seems all too familiar, don’t continue to spin your wheels in the mud.  Let’s stop and take a look at what can be done to put you back on the road to becoming the person you’ve always wanted to be.

Destination?

Nothing can be more frustrating or disheartening than to consistently fall short of your ambitions.  And if you keep coming up with less, perhaps that’s your cue that it’s time to sit down, reassess and prioritize.  Clearly define what it is you hope to achieve.  Or if necessary, redefine.  Keep those things that are directly related to your desired outcome.  Eliminate everything else that could only be serving as a distraction and cluttering your list.    

Get a map

With your aspirations clearly defined you’re at a starting point.  Now find out exactly what you have to do to make it happen.  If it’s a career, find out exactly what the requirements are.  What are the classes that you have to take?  Where can you go that would put you in the best possible position to achieve your desired outcome?  If your target is weight loss, find the best plan for you to help you manage your eating habits effectively.  No matter what it is you desire, begin working towards bringing that concept into fruition with a clear understanding of what it takes to get there from where you are.

Focus

Once you’re sure about what you want to accomplish and what it takes to get there, you’ll more than likely encounter an obstacle or two called temptation.  How many times have you decided you want to lose ten pounds and then get that invitation to some fabulous event where you’ll be surrounded by all your favorite things to eat?  What about deciding to save for a vacation at coincidentally the same time that pair of shoes you’ve been eyeballing finally goes on sale?  I know how difficult it can be to stay focused.  Just remember that each step you take towards something extraneous puts you that much farther away.  The flip side of that is that each step you make in the right direction puts you that much closer.  Those steps can add up!  Choose wisely! 

Check your attitude

Don’t become your own road block.  Whether you realize it or not, your efforts reflect your attitude.  You can limit your potential if your attitude about what you hope to accomplish is less than positive.  Do whatever is reasonably necessary to give yourself the mental boost that will enable you to begin each day with a healthy outlook. 

Try something different

Take a look at what you’ve been doing thus far to achieve your goals.  What’s been effective?  What hasn’t?  What needs to change?  It could be that a more creative approach would help in getting you there if what you’ve always done hasn’t been working for you.  Maximize all your potential.  Take all those fabulous qualities you’ve grown to love about yourself and apply them to becoming the “you” you’re working towards becoming.  Maximize all the possibilities.  Whatever it is that is directly related to your aspirations, take advantage of that.  The internet is a power source of information that could propel you closer to that desired outcome.  Research all avenues to keep you informed of opportunities that enhance your plans. 

Putting in the work necessary to becoming the “you” that you’ve always wanted to be can be the journey of a lifetime.  Each challenge and obstacle you face builds resiliency and helps you gain experience to overcome the next. And there’s no amount of compromise worth settling for less than what you’re capable of achieving. Manage those times you get discouraged by keeping focused on your desired outcome and the satisfaction that will come from knowing that you gave it your all and your all paid off.  After all, you’re worth the effort!    

  

The Big Girl's Take On Politics

The Big Girl Chronicles:  The Big Girl’s Take On Politics

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m no passionate political fanatic.  Yet, it boggles my mind each and every time I watch most candidates (not all) upon the arrival of campaign season give such harsh critiques of their opponent’s administration that it can seem more like a mudslinging contest than an actual petition for office.  I understand that it’s the nature of politics.  You have to have the debate.  You have to make an assessment of what’s been accomplished and where there were failures.  But sometimes it can seem unfair, especially when you have a leader who has made an effort to make significant changes but those proposed changes were thwarted by the congressional body.  Not only that, but my very limited view of politics and how government operates moves me to view the issues that are handed down from administration to administration as problems that have been ongoing for decades or more.  Each president takes his turn trying to rearrange or minimize those issues.  To achieve any amount of success, each president has to have cooperation from the congressional body.  The congressional body is brilliantly constructed in a way that all political parties are participants.  There is no complete autonomy.  Therefore, if there is any degree of failure, that failure was a collective effort.  So, preaching to me about why this leader failed when you used your office to guarantee his failure doesn’t make you a more suitable candidate.  I trusted you to operate in the best interest of all American citizens and not set yourself up at another’s expense. 

So I’ve learned to pay attention to what kind of leader I can expect a candidate to become by the campaign strategy.  If a candidate is more about pointing out what someone else didn’t do rather than what experience and plans for change can be expected from his or her bid for office, then you are trying to get me to vote against someone rather than convincing me why you would be the best person for the job. If this kind of candidate takes office, then you have someone there that you have no knowledge of – no qualifications, no record of accomplishments or successes, no proven leadership skills – preparing to lead the country.  But all you know is that the person you voted against tried to provide a reasonable solution to healthcare, or for that matter actually at least attempted to respond to citizens’ concerns about their taxes and what kind of future can be expected upon retirement.

Perhaps I have the wrong idea about how government is really supposed to work.  Instead of actually believing that I’m supposed to elect seasoned, mature leadership to represent me in office, maybe I’m only participating in some adolescent minded person fulfilling his or her childhood response to the teacher’s question of who he or she wants to be when they grown up.   

The Big Girl's Guide to Survival In A Racist Community

The “Big Girl’s” Guide to Survival in a Racist Community                       

It’s difficult to imagine that in the 21^st century, with the appointment of Barack Hussein Obama as our 44^th national president, there remains profound racism among us.  But why not?   Were we so caught up in this tremendously historic landmark that we mistook it for a dissipation of hatred?  The truth of the matter is that with this progression towards leveling the playing field for all human beings, there remained a quiet undertow of resentment, hatred and fear among those who wish to not only preserve the racial divide, but widen it.  The inauguration of a president of African descent posed a threat that came with a backlash of both overt and covert racism in those communities, leaving those targeted to deal with the consequences.

If you have found yourself in a community that harbors racist methods, practices and ideologies, the following are a few suggestions to help you remain undaunted in the face of opposition.

·         Don’t take ownership of other people’s problems. 

Racism is clearly a social cancer that impedes progress.  Racist attitudes and behavior are most often cultivated and bred from generation to generation.  It can be easy to meet the racist on his or her terms and attempt to return hatred for hatred.  Avoid this.  The racist often feeds off of your defensiveness.  Don’t engage.  Instead, simply acknowledge the attitude of the racist and his or her right to feel that way, and move on without giving more attention.  You have nothing to prove.

·         Don’t be intimidated by ill behavior.

Attempts to intimidate you can result in you withdrawing from your responsibilities as a productive member of society.  Don’t allow yourself to become socially withdrawn.  Continue to participate in social activities and events that interest you.   Maintain who you are.  Vote. 

·         Know your rights.

Keep abreast of local laws and your rights as a citizen.  If you feel your rights have been compromised or violated, be sure to keep documentation of everything and navigate the channels of government appropriately if the need arises. 

·         Be true to yourself.

Many times in difficult situations we find it easier to accept the ideals of the dominant society.  Guard against this.  Not every act is one of racism.  Not every person in the community is racist. 

Continue to present yourself in a manner that is easily approachable without compromising who you are as an individual. 

The challenge to make America its best is ongoing.  Some can seem more a snag in the very fabric that represents our great country rather than a thread holding its place alongside others to allow the beauty of it to show forth. Don’t allow your rights as a citizen to become overshadowed because of a minority of those who seek to preserve oppression and hatred.  Uphold America to its creed and responsibility to you handed down from your forefathers and accessible from sea to shining sea. 

The Big Girl's Guide to Dating

The Big Girl Chronicles:  The Big Girl’s Guide to Dating

Calling Mr. Right!  Calling Mr. Right!  I’ve been waiting for you!  Instead of Mr. Right I’ve gotten Mr. Unemployed.  Mr. Weed Head.  Mr. Immature.  Mr. Momma’s Boy.  Mr. Vain.  Mr. Baby Mama Drama…  The list is endless.  The sum total of all the above equals Mr. WRONG.  What am I doing wrong?  Let’s make a checklist.

Who to date?

Let’s see.  I want a man with the body of a greek god and a bank account that rivals the wealthiest of the wealthy.  He must be at least 6’3 and five pounds within his ideal weight.  Absolutely no preexisting health conditions.  No outstanding debt.  Gainfully employed.  College graduate.  Upwardly mobile and owns his own home.  Has all his teeth.  A gentleman and irresistibly handsome.  Hmmm... I’ve just excluded two thirds of the male population.  I think my first problem is that I’m not being realistic about who I should date.  This list is pretty ideal, but it’s highly unlikely that I’m going to get all these wonderful qualities in one man and still be young enough to enjoy his company.  The phrase “stay within your own dating pool” strangely seems to come to mind.  And a little give and take could be helpful, too.

How soon do we date?

Okay, I went on a date once with this really obnoxious guy.  I remember the entire date I felt as though my time were being held hostage.  All I wanted to do was end it as soon as possible.   I think I could’ve avoided wasting my time had I taken more time having a conversation with this guy before we went out.  So definitely more emails and phone calls before we go out.  As much time as it takes to get a good feel for who I’m going out with should I decide he’s worthy of that privilege.

What’s a date?

There are so many creative ways to date and get to know someone better.  I think a “new” date should be something like breakfast or coffee.  Meet up at a library, bookstore or museum.  Spend as little money as possible until you’re sure the company is worth the value.  That way I’m not lulled into the monotony of the traditional dinner and a movie.  I’ve spent time learning more about this person’s mind and we’ve entertained each other.

This seems like a pretty fair start to begin my search for Mr. Right (again…for the umpteenth time).  If nothing else, I’ll have a lot more to share about the disasters…or possible success…in the awesome world of single life. 

The Big Girl's Guide to Falling In Love...With YOU!

The Big Girl Chronicles:  The Big Girl’s Guide to Falling In Love…With YOU!

I imagine that just as I have had personal battles with self acceptance, so have others.  The feeling that you’re not good enough.  Too much of one thing.  Not enough of the other.  Poor self-image.  Whether it’s weight or scars, whatever imperfection or other physical characteristics, how one feels about themselves on the inside becomes what the world sees on the outside.   And if that’s what the world sees on the outside, that’s how the world responds to you.  The more the world responds to your poor self image, the more you internalize and validate.  Do you see where this is leading?  It becomes a cycle of behavior where you are feeding off of what’s feeding off of you.  Before you realize it, you are completely consumed and surrounded by your own feelings about yourself.  Just as you set the ball rolling to create this cycle, you’ve got to interject the change you want to have happen to break it.  The starting point is in managing your feelings about who you are.

The first question you may want to ask yourself is “what is the source of the negative feelings I have about myself?”  That’s what I had to ask myself.  Why do I feel so bad about who I am?  Where is this coming from?  Often times we learn that we are somehow not good enough because of what we’re taught or where our basis for comparison lies.  This is the risk I took when I allowed someone else to define who I am rather than to become who it is I desired to be.   I was told that I was a mess.  So that’s how I dressed myself.  That’s how I responded to myself.  I believed what someone else told me more than I believed myself.   

If you have internalized negative information about who you are from others, beginning to unlearn all the harmful things you have accepted and believed seems near impossible.  But it can be done.  What worked for me was to make a list of all the things that I didn’t like about myself.  My list was ENORMOUS.  Honestly, to look at all the negative things I felt were true about myself was overwhelming.  And I believed these things to the depths of my very soul.  To counter that, I made a list of all the things I liked about myself.  Uh Oh!  That list was pathetically dismal.  Minuscule.  Embarrassing.  What did I do?  I opened my eyes and took a second look.  And this is one time when I’ll tell you it’s perfectly ok to cheat.  Because as I looked over the negative things that I thought were true about myself I realized that I had negatively described some actually desirable qualities.  I cheated myself out of some good stuff by putting a negative spin on it!  I had to begin to reverse the damage.  What I thought of as being blunt was actually a straightforwardness that would be appreciated when you want to know the truth.  Or what I describe as impetuous could be a spontaneity that would be appreciated where appropriately applied.  And guess what?  Thinking about these qualities differently helped me to manage them more effectively.    

Now, don’t get me wrong.  There are some qualities that needed to be extracted.  There was simply no place for them in my idea of who I want to be.  So once I separate the mess from what’s worth keeping, I’m closer to changing my perception of who I am.  I reinforced those things that I want to remain a part of who I am.  I’m beginning to like who I am.  People begin to respond to my attitude about myself with the same enthusiasm.  And there you go! 

I wish I could say it was just that easy…but it’s not.  The process is ongoing.  The more I learn about myself and why I frankly didn’t like me very much was more than just that I believed what someone told me about myself.  It was more than me cheating myself by how I described myself.  I realized also that I took myself entirely too seriously!  I needed to lighten up on myself or how else could I come to love myself?  Remember those physically unattractive qualities from earlier?  How about I drew a picture of myself emphasizing what I think of as unattractive attributes!  I drew a funny picture of myself.  And then…I laughed!  The cartoon version of myself was actually quite adorable and humorous!  But guess what else?  It was actually worse than the reality!  The way I look wasn’t nearly as bad as I had drawn!

Now comes the really fun stuff!  Because after I developed a healthier, more balanced attitude about myself and got more desirable responses from others… after I began to laugh at my imperfections and not take myself so seriously… I realized that I could better love myself by spending more time getting to know myself.  That meant paying attention to the things I like and spending time doing those things.  Doing my own manicure and pedicure. Fixing myself a special dinner.  Visiting the beach and enjoying some jazz.  Things that I didn’t make time to do before that now help create the person I want to be.

Once that momentum gets going and you start to fall in love with who you are, you will continue to find ways to love yourself.  Like deciding to practice healthier eating habits.  Deciding to exercise to create a better you now rather because of some illness.  Taking a class to learn something new.  The list becomes endless.

You are the person who has to live with you the rest of your life.  Why waste those precious moments of life unhappy with yourself?  Begin to make the most of life and your role in the world around you today! Love you!  And enjoy learning about you along the way!