The Big Girl Chronicles:
The Big Girl’s Guide to Effective Communication
I once witnessed two people at odds with each other
having a disagreement. I’m not sure what
prompted their verbal altercation, but it was apparent from their dialogue that
they were merely talking at each other out of frustration and anger rather than
actually communicating. One person was
complaining that the other is never there. The other person interjected (while the other
was talking) that no one wants to listen to that whining. What ended up happening is that both walked
away from the situation probably more frustrated with each other than before
they began with more angry words and hurt feelings and nothing resolved.
The lack of communication witnessed between those two could be
common in many areas of our world. There
are likely many stories that can be shared about friendships that have been dissolved,
marriages that have ended, family feuds that have lingered, and even business
deals gone wrong because of miscommunication.
In my efforts to graduate towards a more mature woman, I’ve decided to
polish up my communication skills. These
are some of the things I noticed with the couple arguing that I want to better
in myself.
Listen
The first thing I noticed with the couple arguing is that
neither one of them was listening to what the other was trying to say. They seemed to be doing what I call defensive
listening. That’s when you only listen
with the intent of preparing a rebuttal.
Being attentive to what another is trying to tell you sometimes means
putting aside your feelings to get the message.
Information that could help create a better understanding of each other
is lost because you’re only listening to discredit anything that you don’t
agree with. Ultimately, your
conversation only becomes a tug of war about who’s right and who’s wrong. To avoid this, accept what the person you are
trying to achieve an understanding with is telling you. If (s)he is saying that you aren’t doing
something correctly and that’s causing a strain in your relationship, whatever
that relationship could be, accept that.
Listen to the criticism. It might
not sound constructive, but make it constructive. This is a very grown-up thing to do because
it requires you to manage your emotions, feelings and reactions. Eliminate the temptation to engage in a tug
of war with words and just…listen.
Reflect
After you’ve given the other person a chance to be heard
(uninterrupted), restate what was spoken to make certain the two of you are on
the same page. In the argument that I
overheard one person charged the other with never having “been there” and
spending too much time preoccupied with other people and tasks. That person who was marked as absent yelled
back that (s)he wasn’t going to listen to all that negativity and ignored what
was being said. This way nothing gets
solved and they’ll likely end up having the exact same argument at another
time. What went unheard is that there
are feelings of abandonment and lack of support. Whether those feelings are justified or not,
those feelings should still be addressed in order to move forward. When it’s your turn to express how you feel,
you can then offer your views. Sifting through what’s been said allows the
two of you to separate what’s important from issues that were tacked on as the
result of a larger problem.
Once the two of you have had the opportunity to voice
your feelings begin to negotiate a compromise.
Hopefully after you’ve both had a chance to be heard there should be a
better understanding of exactly what the problem is. You might want to begin by asking what would
make things better. Then the two of you
can arrive at a workable solution on a trial basis to be sure that you really
want what you’re asking. In the instance
of the argument mentioned above, it could be necessary to rearrange and
reevaluate priorities to set aside more time and attention. It could also be helpful to be more
understanding of the other person’s responsibilities and demands placed upon
their time. Effective communication
between the two could foster a degree of empathy that was being concealed or
withheld before because of hurt feelings.
Now that those feelings have been heard, a healthier and more productive
relationship can begin.
I remember arguments I’ve had where I just wanted to lash
out and hurl accusations because I felt hurt.
My goal was to inflict the same degree of emotional pain or more
on the person I felt had caused the hurt.
Though that’s a very normal reaction I guess, it’s also a very juvenile
one and now has no place in my growth towards becoming a mature woman. In
some cases, my inability to communicate effectively could have justified the
treatment I felt I was undeserving of.
As I move forward to form other relationships, I remove the baggage that
ineffective communication can create by practicing the skills mentioned
above.
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