We all love to sing
the words to that song as sang by the timeless music icon and legend known as
Aretha Franklin, “R-E-S-P-E-C-T…” That
song has been a personal anthem for women who have declared that they will be
everything that you need, but you have to honor your responsibilities in the
terms of your relationship, whatever those might be. And while everyone likes to sing that song,
before you go demanding respect you should stop and discern if those words are
actually applicable to you. While I have
always favored salvaging those relationships that can be mended and leaving the
garbage behind, sometimes mistakes we make in who we’ve associated with only
have a place in the past. But they like
to follow us.
Ideally, we all are
deserving of respect for some particular reason or another. If you’re a spouse, a parent or whatever role
you’ve filled and have stayed true in honoring your role you should be regarded
with respect. Yet, there are some who
have grandiose, narcissistic delusions about who they are. Speaking from my personal experience, I have
encountered throughout the course of my life many people who want “respect”
just because of who they think they
are. One person in particular would
always seem to imply whenever in my presence that she wants some respect. Yet, the only thing she seemed to do was
behave in a way that seems common among people who lack respect for others. She went so far as to comment, “Let me show
you who I am.” How could she expect to
ever receive more respect than she was willing to give?
It took a minute
before I was mature enough to step back and take a look at the situation
objectively. What I realized has become
an eye-opening revelation. At first I
couldn’t understand why she was implying that I don’t respect her. I spoke to her in the same respectful manner
that had garnered my mother many compliments on my manners. I was polite.
So what the crap was that woman talking about? Then I realized that her definition of
“respect” is skewed. She wasn’t implying
that she wants “respect.” What she
wanted was submission and control.
If you have
questions about whether or not you are or have been in a similar predicament,
there are a few things you can do to help decide if your situation can be
helped.
Trust your judgment.
Most times you
probably have had an unsettling “feeling” about someone, but no real reason
why. Learn to trust yourself. From the start there was an uneasiness I had
about this person. As mentioned earlier,
she made the statement, “I’ll show you who I am.” After having taken time to reflect on her
actions, one day it was as if the skies opened up and I was able to discern
just who that is. I remember thinking to
myself, “I knew I was right about you.”
Talk with someone
about it.
The one thing that
helped me realize exactly who I was dealing with was a conversation with
someone who could provide an objective opinion of the situation. That person simply pointed out the age
difference between the two of us and asked why someone her age is so focused on
dominating someone so much younger than her.
That was incredibly helpful. Find
someone whose judgment you trust and confide in him or her. That person could offer a perspective you
haven’t considered to empower you to make the changes needed.
Realize it isn’t
really you.
The worst thing you
can do interacting with a person like this is to take things personally. Realize that the behavior isn’t really about
you at all. You just happen to be the
person that the other believes to be an easy target. People with control issues and difficulties
respecting boundaries often have a need to feel needed. Some could also have a history of relationship
issues and experiences that were personally traumatic and have never been resolved. Rather than getting counseling, there is a
tendency to feel as though they are “owed” something, and it somehow becomes your
responsibility to fulfill the void.
Separate.
Distancing yourself
from this situation won’t be easy because the other person won’t want to let
go. Who else would be the object of that
attention? However, if at all possible
begin to remove yourself from the situation.
How? Start by minimizing
conversations to what’s absolutely necessary.
Take each opportunity you can to establish healthy boundaries. If you are privy to a little creativity you can
convince him or her that it’s actually in his or her best interest if the two
of you associate less. That way you can lessen
your struggle and speed up the process simultaneously.
Words that are
synonymous with respect include reverence, admiration, value and esteem. Nothing of these words implies
subservience. Neither is respect
something that can be demanded. If
you’ve been convinced that the only way to satisfy someone’s need to feel
respected is to take a backseat in your own life, take a second look. If the two of you can reach an understanding,
then good. Otherwise, R-E-S-P-E-C-T yourself
and move on to healthier relationships.
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